I had no child support.
FIRST-PERSON….My ex-husband was 14 years older than me and very well established in the community here. He did quite well for himself. When I asked for a divorce, he didn’t want to give me one. He got angry. He was like, fine. Here’s the divorce papers. My choices were sign the paperwork or he would take the boys. And he was wealthy, and he could take them, and I would not get my kids. Well, I’m from a poor family in Tucson. I’m very trusting, I don’t know any better. He was either going to sign the lease on an apartment for me, or I was going to get kicked out. He had taken away everything. I had no cash. He took my rings away, I couldn’t hock anything, I had nothing to get a lawyer. And that’s when he said, sign the papers. So, I said okay, I’ll sign them.
And when we went to court, I wasn’t there. He said I didn’t have to go. So I didn’t go. And they ended up awarding him everything he asked for. I had no child support. I had no alimony. I walked away with my boys four days a week, the clothes on my back, and a car. He makes probably about $250,000 a year, he has a trust fund, and his house on the Hill is worth about $875,000. The judge said that unless he sees a huge discrepancy in pay, he can’t do anything. I signed a paper, and he doesn’t believe that I did it under duress. If you don’t know the system, and somebody else does, this is how screwed you can really get. You can walk away with nothing.
Well, needless to say we became homeless. I have a job now, but I have two kids I’m supposed to raise on Capitol Hill. I can’t take them out of the area, I’m not allowed to. They go to school on Capitol Hill. Their whole life is here. So I have to accommodate that on my salary of $40,000 a year.
We’re back in court now for child support, back child support and child support, which would be a lot of money. And the thing is, every time we go to court he has to pay his lawyer. I don’t pay mine. So I can keep it in the system as long as my lawyer’s willing to keep it going. He will just try every lawyer tactic he can possibly think of–the manipulation, the overbearing stuff. He does other things like try to make me look unfit. It’s just his way of trying to scare me so that I’ll stop the process. And I just kind of sit there and keep on plugging along.
So, yeah. It’s nasty. It’s really nasty. And after everything is said and done, these amazing boys, who live in a $875,000 house on the weekend and went to Puerto Vallarta for spring break, they’re living in an unfinished basement. My oldest son has said, he has so much money. Why can’t he help us? I just want to be able to keep raising them and not have to worry about where we’re going to sleep in six months. I just want to have a home. A home that’s stable. I don’t need a lot of money. I can do a lot of it on my own. I just want help.
“Deborah” lives in Washington, D.C. Her name has been changed to protect her family’s identity. She is still attempting to appeal the child support ruling.
Flickr photo “off to the courthouse” by romanlily.
Filed under: children, divorce, women | Tagged: child support, ex-husband, homeless, law, low-income, women
Two issues come to mind - first “you wanted a divorce” Why? Your post reads as if you wanted a divorce is some entitlement that you might automaticall get.
Now, if you had good reason, he was abusive, well certainly, time to get yourself and your children away.
But, to want out and then to expect payment for wanting out without a good reason certainly should make every spouse very upset.
Next we move on to his money vs yours….sadly you did not seek out advice before agreeing to something that you did not understand.
This should be a lesson to all..1st, have a valid reason and second, do not under any circumstances sign that which you do not understand!!!
I oersonally belive that divorce shoud not be an adversarial proceeding. and i also happen to beloive taht in a more perfect world mosgt dovporces would not even happen, as we wpould all have becoem far better at understanding lurselves– and each other. (As one of my men tors oince said “we are all the walking wounded.”
AND– i must say that many peole do end up doing things that in hindsight they could have done beter. most of us, i suspct. i do indeed include myself.
but for anyone else who may be reading this–wiht the wealth of information available on the internet these days, there is FAR less justification for a lack of knowledge of how to negotiate the shoals of divorce. And there are many more options these days.
Court is the worst option out there. And–what is ALWAYS in our hands is whatr we choose to learn from the bad (or less than ideal) choices we make. Sorry to should preachy, but… there you have it.
Powerful entry. I echo Jill and wonder what preceded your asking for a divorce. Good luck to you & your children.
When you are desperate, you can do desperate, regrettable things. You are not the first person to sign something under duress–and later have no recourse. It is unfortunate that you and your sons are suffering right now.
The only comforting insight that I can make is that your children are asking why their father is treating so poorly. One day, when the children’s age makes custody a moot point, you can lay out the details of their father’s actions during this time–and let them make their own conclusions about his motivations. Until the children are adults, if you say anything negative about their father (or he tries to do the same to you), a smart lawyer can twist this into parental alienation. This means one of the parents was trying to destabilize the other parent’s relationship with the children by demonizing the other parent. DO NOT DISPARAGE THE CHILDREN’S FATHER IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. Vent with another adult while your children are some place where they will not accidentally overhear your conversation either.
Get your children to a community-based counselor to document and begin to heal the grief that your ex is putting them through. I hope it helps you and your children.
Well, I must say there are so many things about divorce…take my soon to be ex….a high powered partner in a big law firm.
She doesn’t want to pay child support or anything even after I supported her career for 10 years by working close by and being there when the client wanted her in San Francisco tomorrow, or when we were vacationing in California and a client wanted her in Bejing so we had to cut our vacation short.
But she loves attention…often quoted on CNN, WSJ, named best lawyer in her business by Washingtonian.
Little do people know that she’s just wanting to suck your account with billable hours…she has NO friends because the conversations is always superficial…..”Oh hello, that’s a beautiful dress, or My what a nice tie” and then she kind of walks away if you don’t have anything that can help her business grow.
hey lady… men get screwed every day by manipulative women who take every freaking dime they make. You’re an ADULT, you agreed to the terms of the divorce. Now suck it up! but yeah, its a shame that he isn’t helping his kids, IF thats true. Personally, I think that you’re lying. You’re looking for sympathy because you aren’t getting his money. Well.. too bad! You should have thought about that when you were signing the divorce papers. Hell.. I say, good for him! I’d actually like to meet your ex-husband and shake his hand. Its about time that a man came out on top in one of these cases.
Why do you make yourself a victim. It is unfortunate you were divorced. Instead take responsibilty for your choices in life. What happend to educating your self while you were home, and think that if this relationship ended you are entitled to everything. Your husband felt that he needed to make a career for himself and now he is well off you want to punish him for having this dedication? Dont get me wrong there are cases in which the help is required. I feel that most of these cases undermine the average income earning families as so the divorcee and the divorcer end up losing. Not to mention the kids. So quit whinning and take control of your life, stop letting your circumstances rule your life.
……A loving parent……
I cant say I feel sad for you. Mkaing 40 thousand a year. some women do it on a lot less. My parents raised me on and my 2 sister and brother on about 17 thousand a year. That what they make now. They woulthing thye were rich to make 40,000. YOu are not intitled to nothing dont tell me you was a poor girl from wheree ver and did,nt no better. Being poor does not mean being stupid.